Lay your head down, child. I won't let the boogeyman come... Go back to sleep.

I imagined that I could move everything in the apartment to the ceiling. Then I would walk the wall up to the ceiling and me and everything else would just be hanging there upside down. Defying gravity. It would freak people out when they came in and I'm upside down, sitting in my recliner, watching tv. Normal as can be. Just flipped.

Then I figured I'd go ahead and give it a try. I took a chair, a folding chair, nice and light, and opened it up. Then I picked it up and flipped it upside down. I slowly lifted it until the legs softly met with the ceiling. And then. Then I focused. My mind and body. Pouring it all upwards toward the chair. When I let go, that chair would comfortably stay on the ceiling. No problem at all. I focused hard. Not sure how long I did this.

When I felt ready, as ready as I could be, I gripped the chair just a little harder. I knew it would work. I knew it.

In one quick movement I released my grip on the chair and pulled my arms back.    Disappointment. Right on par.

I really thought it would work. What an idiot. So I jumped the fence into the neighbors yard and kicked his dog. I'm not going to be the only one having a shitty day, damn it.

Imagine a trap. Much like a bear trap. The kind with the two sides that fold down until its sprung. Then, when its tripped, the sides head toward each other like a pair of bullets. Compression holds the victims foot or paw and without opposable thumbs, you're fucked in a bad way. Don't forget the chain and stake. Almost completely necessary. A short chain and a stake sunk into the ground. Otherwise the victim can attempt to limp off and whats the point of snapping somethings leg if you can't find it? I guess without the chain and stake it would still be an effective way of keeping the kids off your lawn, but whatever. Anyway, the trap. No teeth on this one. Just smooth sides. And its not a big one. Not one made for a bear but rather a smaller animal. A fox maybe. Or a beaver. It sits just inside the tree line at the edge of a clearing. You see it. Don't worry. You're ankles are safe for today. Its baited. A sort of fruit cocktail. Sliced apples and bananas. That little piece might be a pineapple. Its hard to tell. They're already starting to brown. Just some fruit for the victim to smell. To make them curious.

You notice something moving near you. A quick glance and you discover a porcupine. Walking toward you. And the trap. Walk doesn't describe a porcupines movement that well. They kind of have that waddle. Like a toddle. Wait, have you ever seen a porcupine? Fuck. All right, they're like a big rat, about the size of a cocker spaniel. They appear very bushy haired at first. Those are the quills. Spell that right? fuck it. Like long sharp croquet needles. Spelling again. damn. What am I talking about. Of course you've seen a porcupine. Maybe not up close but at least a picture. Right. Okay. So here he comes. Waddling your way. He's not afraid of you. Why should he be? He'll stick you and not think twice if you feel like dancing.

Now, you don't want the little guy to get snapped. No. No you don't. You have nothing to gain. Its not your trap and you're only passing through. First, you stand in the rodents path. The path to the trap. Thats where he's headed. Make yourself look tall and intimidating. Taller. Puff out your chest. Good. Nope. He doesn't care. Still coming steady. Not too fast though. You still have time. Shout. Go ahead. AAAAAAGGGHH. Nothing. Louder. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! All right. Fuck yelling. A stick!!! You grab it. Take a step towards the little beast and poke at the air. Try to look scary. He wavers. But really just starts trying to side step you. He wants the fruit. He at least wants to check it out. You stay in its path and keep fending it back with a series of air pokes. You're a natural at this. Very good. And I'm not just saying that. He looks more defensive now. Scare him off for good. Try another yell. AAAAAAAAHHH. Good stuff. NOPE. He's actually just getting pissed. He again starts moving right at you. He means business. You keep trying the stick but he's not having it. You're forced to back up. Watch the damn trap! Jesus. Close one. By now, you're pretty much out of the way. About 3 seconds later he's right there. A quick little smell....... another smell.... wait for it. Wait for it. SNAP. Shit. You failed.

I mean, you tried. You really did. Didn't think about just setting the trap off with the stick. Damn, that would have done it. And Mr. Porcupine would still have a face. Might as well be on your way. Big day ahead of you and you're going to have to make up for this failure. Maybe you're just not the savior type. Oh, by the way. You're the porcupine. Yes You. I was the one with the stick. But in all honesty, I wasn't really trying that hard.....

Its starting to get bad.

Really bad on some days. Control is definitely slipping a little more and more as the clock spins. Hands shake. Sounds pop and creak and theres this confusion that slips in and out like a tide. Focus is hard. It seems to be either too much or not enough. Moderation is the key to healthy living but it seems near unattainable at most times.

Focusing a powerful lens at something and straining with all your energy to see it. Really see it. Not the surface. Not the environment. The beginning. Try to find the end. See through. it s like the world sits in th is fucking fog that i can't relate too on any level of consciousnesss. Rememver those rock tumblers that polishd stones by toss ing them aroung and around and around with sand and water or whatever and it wears them down until they look beautiful they're smooth and even the defects blend together in such a visually pleasin g way. thats what i see in the crowds that walk pastt. blind stones. theres nothing beautful about them . and I guess what saves me is hoping that maybe that what they're headed for. that they have somem kind of saving grace. means justified. If not..... then they really are completely useless.... They don't need hope.

It would be a waste of they're time for them to believe in themselves.  True freedom..

No. the answer is no. i I wasn't trying to get hit by a car. Who does that anyway? I just had to get throuhg t o one person. Just one fucking savior that could prove to me that it was possible, that it was actually possible for a realization to get through. Just grab them by the fucking face and will it into they're brain. spit it into theyre eyes. crawls into they're mind like a tumor and wakes the dead. Hopeless. they're gone. people just aren't worth the fucking time.

Jack says i'm too hard on them. one of the only things we disagree on. Fervently. what the fuck does he know. not necessarily his area of expertise.

he would disagree.

Fire won't even spread anymore. you have to have value to burn. you have to have something to contribute. YYou have to have anything. apparently thats a rough prerequisite for most.

The greatest things about me left a long time ago..... don't pity me..... it was my fault.......